Stuck in the Maze of Your Mind? Helping Children and Teens Recognize the Difference Between Problem-Solving and Rumination
Problem-solving is a behavior in which all living creatures engage. Rats can learn how to navigate mazes, octopuses can develop the ability to escape containers, and elephants can manipulate objects to move food closer to their reach. Without problem-solving skills, animals and mammals would not survive.
Worrying is an adaptive strength that is specific to humans. The human brain can preimagine future scenarios, identify potential pitfalls, and play—and replay—solutions to posed problems using the movie of our minds. This set of cognitive processes lets us simulate future moments without living them and consider the wisest course of action based on our predictions. Future-oriented worrying sets us apart from our fellow mammals, helped land us on the moon, and has played a role in putting us at the top of the food chain. Despite popular opinion, the ability to worry is an important skill!
Rumination is a term that is akin to worrying. The word is derived from the Latin verb ruminari, meaning “to chew the cud”. In the animal kingdom, ruminants chew, swallow, regurgitate, and rechew “cud” using their multi-chambered stomachs to break down tough fibers. The human brain has the capacity for a similar kind of repetitive behavior using thoughts. We can think, and rethink, a thought’s content as part of an endless loop of overthinking. The more we chew on cognitive “cud”, the more urgent the thoughts feel. This leads to more and more overthinking. Because there is no food to digest, there is no stop signal, which only perpetuates the cycle of rumination.
So, what happens when worry and problem-solving intersect? The answer is ruminative worry, which is drastically different from its cousin, logical problem-solving.
Logical problem-solving is rooted in action. It is typically a relatively brief process: a problem is identified, a reasonable solution is considered, and a plan is put into action. Once we decide on a reasonable plan, we move forward.
Ruminative worry, however, keeps us stuck in our minds. Ruminative worry offers no satisfying solutions. There is no trial and error performed in real time, and there is no stepping into situations that would give us the opportunity to learn from our behavior. There is only an endless mental search for courses of action that ultimately yield negative outcomes, catastrophic events, and uncomfortable encounters. Eventually, we arrive at the conclusion that we cannot handle the future, and this conclusion prompts the cycle to resume—again and again and again.
Rumination can feel productive because we are doing something: thinking. In reality, however, it is the metaphorical equivalent of a hamster running on a wheel. The hamster is moving, but going nowhere.
Problem-Solving vs. Ruminative Worry
Logical problem-solving leads to a solution that can be implemented through behavior. Ruminative worry keeps us searching for certainty through continued thinking.
Both may begin with the same initial worry, but the paths that follow are very different.
Imagine that an upcoming social event is on the horizon. You are curious about what to expect, so you begin thinking about the unknown.
"What will the event be like?"
"Who will be there?"
"How long will it take me to get there?"
These questions are not inherently problematic. In fact, they may begin with a healthy desire to plan, prepare, and set yourself up for success.
When these questions are answered with simplicity and practicality, they can lead to effective actions.
"What will the event be like?"
"The invitation says formal attire. I'll ask my sister if I can borrow that dress of hers that I love."
Logical problem-solving.
"Who will be there?"
"Joanna and Mel said they might attend. I'll text them and see if we can drive together."
Logical problem-solving.
"How long will it take me to get there?"
"The party starts at 5:00, and there is usually rush-hour traffic. I'll plan to leave early."
Logical problem-solving.
These solutions lead to observable actions: choosing an outfit, connecting with identified and desired friends, and leaving with enough time to arrive. There is no further cognitive contemplation of what could go wrong, because anything else that could go wrong is either up to chance or out of our control. There is an implicit understanding that problems will be solved in real time and through behavior—not by continued thinking.
Now let's look at what happens when ruminative worry takes over.
"What will the event be like?"
"The invitation says formal attire. I hate everything in my closet. I'm going to look awful and stand out like a sore thumb!"
Ruminative worry.
"Who will be there?"
"I'll only know two people. What if they're busy talking to other people—or each other? I'll have no one to talk to. Everyone will stare at me. I'll look like a fool. I'll never be invited anywhere again!"
Ruminative worry.
"How long will it take me to get there?"
"The event is during rush hour—ahhh! What if there is more traffic than expected and I'm late? Everyone will already have formed their groups, and I'll be alone. I won't be able to handle it!"
Ruminative worry.
Spot the differences.
Logical problem-solving is generally brief, specific, and action-oriented. A problem is identified, a reasonable solution is chosen, and we move forward.
Ruminative worry is lengthy, repetitive, and focused on potential negative outcomes. Each answer creates another question. Each solution creates another "what if." The thinking eventually arrives at the same destination: "Something terrible will happen, and I won't be able to handle it. I should just avoid the situation entirely.”
Helping Children and Teens Recognize the Difference between Logical Problem-Solving and Ruminative Worry
Teaching children and teens to distinguish between logical problem-solving and ruminative worryis an important skill in the management of anxiety.
Here are ideas that can help with this discernment:
1. Model effective problem-solving.
Parents do not need to have a formal sit-down conversation with their children about problem-solving to teach this skill. Children are sponges and learn more from observation than verbal rhetoric.
Parents solve problems at a rapid pace every day. As such, parents can talk through problem-solving steps aloud so their children can learn how to find effective solutions.
Children develop their inner voice from the content and tone of their parents’ outer voices. The more parents talk through the cognitive processes they use to solve problems, the greater the possibility their children will learn to do the same.
Here is how this dialogue might occur:
“Oh, no, I do not have rice to make the side dish I planned on. I can either make two side dishes tonight or make the rice tomorrow when I get a chance to go to the store. I think I’ll go to the store in the morning and make the rice tomorrow.”
Simplistic as this narrative might seem, it’s actually quite rich in content:
There’s the identification of the problem: “I do not have enough rice.”
The contemplation of reasonable courses of action: “I can make two side dishes tonight or the rice tomorrow night after going to the store.”
The decision: “I’ll make the rice tomorrow.”
The discussion ends, and action takes the lead.
2. Make problem-solving part of family conversation.
As part of a dinnertime share, have family members share a problem they encountered that day and describe how they handled it.
Then, take it a step further: Have family members share a problem they don't know how to solve, and invite others to offer ideas.
This helps children learn to talk about their problems, reducing the shame and embarrassment that often come from keeping problems secret, and it also teaches them how to ask for help. Perhaps this conversation can be part of a follow-up the next night when they implement the suggested solutions to their proposed dilemma. Now you’ve incorporated trial and error in real time. Bravo!
3. Talk about the problem-solvers in your child’s life.
Who seems to stay calm when something goes wrong? Which family member is particularly good at figuring things out? Who is the most comfortable asking for help?
Rather than simply labeling someone a "good problem solver," talk about the specific behaviors that make them effective.
Do they break the problem into smaller parts? If so, how do they do that?
Are they afraid to make mistakes, or do they see mistakes as opportunities to learn?
Do they give up after one try, or do they persevere?
These are the skills children can learn and practice. Naming these skills helps children recognize them, and observing them in others gives them a chance to watch effective problem-solving in action.
Don’t be afraid to use your village!
Don’t Let Worry Trick You
Worry is one sly trickster.
It has a plethora of ways to convince us of its mistruths:
Worry: Imagination is the same as reality.
Truth: Reality is based in reality, and unveils itself through the passage of time.
Worry: If I say something bad is going to happen, it will!
Truth: Worry, you are not an accurate predictor of the future!
Worry: You cannot step into a situation unless you feel certain that nothing bad will happen.
Truth: I will feel certain AFTER I step in. Certainty is earned through experience.
Don’t allow your child to fall prey to worry’s false predictions and glorification of overthinking. Value the power of experience, trial and error, and the act of stepping into situations so that your child can learn from their behavior rather than come to fear the false predictions of their mind.
As baseball pitcher Vernon Law once said, “Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson after.”
Experience can feel scary, but so is overthinking. Teach your child to pick their discomfort. Would you rather…feel fear as part of an endless mental loop, or step into a situation and experience fear that will diminish and disappear over time? The decision is obvious when we recognize we have a choice.
