Borrowed Emotions: Using Other People’s Feelings to Build Emotional Intelligence
Most people would agree that social and emotional intelligence are critical components of a successful life. Unless you live off the grid—or in outer space—you need to know how to engage in reciprocal, fulfilling interpersonal relationships. Understanding and responding to other people’s emotions is an essential skill for building social capital in the world we live in.
Despite the overwhelming consensus that emotional learning is important, most parents don’t know how to intentionally support it. Many of us don’t even fully understand our own feelings—so how are we supposed to teach our children about theirs?
Decades of research show that talking about feelings and exploring emotions helps improve emotional intelligence. What many people don’t realize is that these conversations don’t have to be limited to first-person experiences. Talking about other people’s feelings can be just as effective—if not more so. It takes your child off the hot seat and places the focus on someone else, naturally making the conversation feel safer and more engaging.
Emotions are all around us, which means meaningful and reflective conversations are always within reach—if you know how to guide them. Instead of ignoring, mislabeling, or avoiding other people’s feelings, here are some ways to use these everyday moments to strengthen your child’s emotional intelligence:
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Label the emotions you observe
Dr. Dan Siegel coined the phrase “name it to tame it,” and there’s science behind it. Labeling emotions helps us understand what we’re feeling, which in turn helps calm the nervous system.
When you’re out in public with your child and notice someone expressing an emotion—whether it’s shyness, anxiety, or frustration—name what you see. This might sound like, “I bet that cashier was feeling overwhelmed,” or “I wonder if your friend felt angry when her mom said she couldn’t come to the park.”
By identifying and labeling emotions, you’re helping your child move from simple observation to deeper insight.
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Have curious conversations
Curiosity is one of the most underrated emotional tools we have. It counteracts anxiety and opens the door to exploration—both internally and externally. Simply put, curiosity is essential for developing critical thinking.
Practice using curiosity when talking about other people’s feelings. Try prompts like:
“I wonder how that person was feeling?”
“Do you think there might have been another feeling underneath their anger?”
“That’s interesting that your friend felt upset. Would you have felt the same way?”
Leading with curiosity helps children connect with their own internal experiences, rather than simply agreeing with what they think we expect them to say.
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Focus on what is within your child’s control
Feelings and thoughts are not things we consciously choose—they arise naturally. What we can control is how we respond to them.
When discussing others’ emotions, guide your child to notice not just what someone felt, but how they handled it. For example: after Molly took Bob’s pencil without asking, did Bob respond assertively, or did his anger escalate into yelling?
Difficult situations often become learning opportunities when we shift the focus from others’ emotions to our own responses.
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Model healthy emotional boundaries
An emotional boundary is the invisible space that separates our feelings from those of others. We create boundaries by respecting and protecting our own emotional experiences.
This can look like saying you need space, choosing not to respond immediately to messages, or acknowledging that you feel differently than someone else.
Most people don’t learn about emotional boundaries until adulthood—but introducing this concept early gives your child a powerful advantage.
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Address your child’s feelings first
Most schools use inclusive learning environments, which means your child is likely exposed to peers experiencing big emotions.
If your child witnesses another student becoming upset or acting out, start by helping your child process their experience first. Ask how it made them feel before discussing the other child’s emotions.
This helps your child feel seen and grounded before shifting into observation and understanding of others.
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Research consistently shows that emotional intelligence is a strong predictor of long-term success. Conversations about emotions—especially those we observe in everyday life—should be the rule, not the exception. When you start paying attention, the opportunities for learning are everywhere.
