Managing Worry during the Sunday that Lasts a Month–August!
Despite our best efforts to avoid the end of summer, August is here, yet again. The concept of summer break, in and of itself, creates a concoction of feelings that lend themselves quite nicely to the experience of anxiety. First, there is a long-awaited beginning (yay - June is here!). Then, there is a lengthy period of time in between transitions that will throw even the most regimented of humans off their game. The culmination of events is a month-long timeframe during which most wait, plan, and dread the commencement of a highly anticipated school year, which is synonymous with stress, vigor, and challenge. Anxious minds tend to remember the worst of the previous school year and fear the beginning of a new school yea with no clear end in sight. During the month of August, parents are more fatigued than ever as they plan back-to-school shopping, after-school activities, end-of-summer bashes, and childcare arrangements for the upcoming year. Anxiety sees this inlet of vulnerability as a way to receive excessive reassurance and spur other parental accommodations that ensure its growth. Anxiety thrives on anticipation and uncertainty, both of which are produced in high volumes when August rolls around.
Here are some common questions Worry likes to ask:
What will the year be like?
Who will be in my classes?
What if I have no friends in my lunch wave?
What if I don't like my teachers?
These questions are unanswerable, but that has never stopped Worry before. Worry will hem and haw until proper reassurance is received. Then, Worry will ask the same questions again, a mere two minutes later (if parents are lucky!).
Read below to learn ways to manage your and your child's back-to-school anxiety, so that you both can begin to focus on solutions, instead of ruminating over the countless things that could go awry:
Externalize your child's Worry. Externalization of Worry is an effective way to better understand Worry's underpinnings. Come up with a name for your child's Worry - a common name like Joe, Mary, or Penelope will do, or a more creative one, such as Space, The Dictator, or Mr. Certainty, may be more fitting. Identify characteristics of your young one's Worry part. What does the Worry part like to talk about? What makes the Worry part happy (for a short time, anyway)? What are the demands of the Worry part? Remember that old adage, Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer? This counterintuitive relationship applies to Worry as well!
Expect Worry to show up. Most people spend time hoping Worry will not show up instead of planning for its arrival. Worry may be tricky and cunning, but it is also predictable and boring. It shows up in the same places during similar times, and it typically only has 3-4 statements in its conversational repertoire, which are all some version of "this is bad" and "you can't handle it". Identify times that Worry likes to show, plan for its appearance, and talk with your youngster about ways they can respond to their Worry instead of being bossed around by this unruly and relentless part.
Learn to manage, not fear, strong emotions. All feelings have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Albeit uncomfortable, when we allow feelings to take their natural and intended course, and make room for them instead of resisting their existence, they tend to dissipate in a much shorter timeframe than we initially anticipate. We cannot plan for all of life's unexpected events, but we can problem-solve them in the moment. Role model the skill of problem-solving by talking about unexpected occurrences that took place during your day and highlighting how you figured them out, instead of catastrophizing their impact.
Mix things up! Demonstrate the value of spontaneity to your young one by doing things differently. Worry thrives on rigidity. Role modeling flexibility is a critical way to teach children to step out of their comfort zone. Do you usually order pizza on Fridays? Order it mid-week instead. Do you typically go to the town pool? Try hitting up a local lake. The possibilities are endless when we allow creativity to make future choices instead of delegating the role of activity director to boring Worry.
Pay attention to the ways you give in to your young one's Worry. Offering short-term relief from an anxiety-provoking situation is known as parental accommodation, and the best of parents find themselves engaging in such behaviors under the guise that they are helping their child, when they are actually helping their child’s Worry. Examples of common accommodations are responding to excessive text messages your tween/teen sends, allowing your young one to opt out of an anxiety-producing event, and providing reassurance for anxiety's uncertainties. Identify these behaviors and come up with a plan to peel them back that you can follow with consistency.
Instead of living in fear of your child's anxiety about the return to school, get curious about it, and ask them to help you understand their feelings without judging their explanation. See anxiety for what it is: an overestimation of a problem, an underestimation of internal resources to manage a situation, and an opportunity to grow, learn, and problem-solve.
